The Shattered Perfection

There are all kinds of news. There is the kind that makes you laugh or cry with joy or the kind that makes you feel awkward. Then there is the kind that stops you dead in your tracks. The kind that numbs you from head to toe. Toward the beginning of my senior year of high school I received this type of news.

I am the type of girl that likes everything to be perfect. Situations that I have no control over make me extremely uncomfortable and I don't cope well. So when I was sitting on my couch in my living room and heard my mom say that she has an extremely rare type of cancer that has a high mortality rate, I was beyond stunned. I couldn't even think, nor did I know how to. Just the word cancer in itself was like a poison that started in my ears and spread through my soul. As my sisters were there asking questions and trying to understand what was happening, I remained silent. Everyone seemed so matter of fact about everything. No one was crying or freaking out, just gathering information. But I didn't want information. I didn't want my mom to die. I just wanted everything to be okay.

My mom has always been my best friend and I couldn't even fathom a life without her. But from that moment on, it was all I could think about. All of these questions were running through my head 24/7: What would happen to me if she died? Would she die? And when? Would she be there for my graduation, or would I be up there reciting my speech without a mom to be proud of me? How could God do this to me and my family, especially after all the illnesses my mom has already been battling for the past four years? How could this possibly be in God's will, and if he loves me how could he let this happen to such a strong and incredible Christian woman?

All of a sudden everything in my life stopped making sense, as if my brain had shut off and left me there to function on autopilot. The classes that had seemed so easy were all of a sudden impossible to understand, and my grades went from a 4.0 GPA to the second and third B of my life and the first C. I just couldn't think or process anything, despite how desperately hard I tried.

The whole time that this was going on, I never spoke about it. I kept everything from all of my friends and family. I was terrified that if I talked about what was going on in my life then it would somehow become more than I could handle, as if giving words to my worries would cause them to be a reality. I decided right when I found out about my mom's cancer that I would never burden her with what I was feeling, because I couldn't handle her feeling as if she had caused me pain. I didn't want her to blame herself, so I just kept quiet and refused to cry.

It was a very dark time for me. I fought with my dad constantly and resented my siblings because they didn't have to live with the day to day effects of chemo and radiation. They didn't have to hear my mom crying out in extreme pain at all hours of the day and night, and I hated them for it. I also hated people that were happy. I just couldn't understand how people could live their lives happily every day when my own was crumbling around me. Worst of all, I blamed and hated God for putting me through something so completely miserable. I felt more alone than I ever had in my entire life. I had never been so angry with God as I was during those months, yet at the same time I kept repeating to myself "God will work it out. God will work it out. God will work it out." They were hopeful words, but still felt hollow.

Then something random happened. I was taking a shower and thinking about how alone and depressed I was, and I was going over every worst scenario situation I could think of. As I did this, the bitter angry numbness began to slowly melt away, as I started to cry for the first time in months. I collapsed on the floor of my shower, sobbing uncontrollably and crying out to God to take me instead of my mom. She deserved this life more than me anyway, and I couldn't bear to live without her. I pleaded and pleaded with him to have mercy and heal her. That I would do anything if only I could see her well and joyful again. It was in this moment that I realized that God wanted nothing more than for me to simply trust him. He didn't want some extravagant deed, only for me to rely on him and let him take my burdens from me. It was in this moment that I realized I couldn't do it on my own.

As the weeks continued on I started to feel a peace about life. My mom still had cancer and it was still terrible and hard to handle, but for the first time it was manageable. Then within the next month my mom was healed and became cancer free. I had a few moments of praising God, before I got the bad news. Even though she is cancer free now, the likelihood of her getting it again is pretty great. And if she ever gets cancer again then there is absolutely no chance of her surviving it. I discovered that my mom is most likely going to die of cancer eventually, it is only a matter of when.

As I began to revert back to my numbness and anger, I stopped myself. I took a moment to praise God for the good news and turn over the bad news to him. I decided that my mom's life was in his hands, and realized that this time, nor ever again, would I ever have a need to feel alone. Because my God is bigger than anything this world throws at me.

Since then, my mom was put on a new medication and is responding very well to it. For the first time she is able to cook, stand up, and walk with more ease. When she brought me to college she managed to walk to my room and help me unpack. She is more alive and healthy now than I have seen her in a long time, and I know that it is only because of God. Though I don't know exactly what is going to happen in the future, for now God has blessed me with a recovering mom and a new college to remind me of how amazing his love truly is. And most importantly, I have a God to trust and lean on for the rest of my life.


Mathew 11:28-30

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”