Before leaving for Gordon, I overheard my grandmother saying to my dad, “I just want her to have everything she needs, she’s already been through enough in her life,” and he agreed. But, we all have. Both he and my grandma have given all they can give- more than they even have- to allow me this kind of opportunity.
I’m so blessed to have some people in my life who care enough for me to make sacrifices so that I am allowed the opportunities that they never got. But at the same time, being a first generation college student puts a heavy burden on my shoulders to succeed and make my family proud. Despite the pressure, I feel as though I’m up for the challenge.
Ever since I’ve gotten here, it’s been a very hectic schedule with very little time to just kick back and do nothing. There’s especially been a lot of socializing. Throughout the whole process, I’ve realized something about myself: I'm afraid that I’ll be misunderstood. I seem to have this irrational fear that each person I meet can peer into my soul and deem me unworthy to be at a place like this with such well-rounded people.
I was saved almost two years ago, and in that time, almost an entire year collectively was spent backsliding. If you do the math, that’s not a huge hunk of time to spend my life honoring God. And, since I wasn’t honoring God, I was out doing the exact opposite. I’m starting to think that maybe I need to let go of this past. I’m realizing that it’s hindering me by making me feel like I have all the mistakes I’ve made written across my skin. I feel like (this is probably an incorrect feeling) if some of the students I’ve talked with knew the things I’ve done or some other things about me, they wouldn’t want to stand within five feet of me.
This mentality has really been starting to eat away at me. I know I need to let these thoughts go. I know that God forgives me, and He knows that it’s behind me. I feel like if I were to meet with Him in person, He would go further than standing within five feet of me and embrace me. Knowing everything He does about me, this is something I definitely have to remind myself of.
God has been there for me through everything these past few years. I needed Him more than I ever have before. When my grandfather died, He was there. When my uncle died, He was there. When I was tripping on a bad high and was on the verge of losing my sanity, He was there. When my mother would send me horribly cruel text messages numerous times a day, He was there. Whenever her using got really bad, He was there. When I found out one of my closest friends had been lying to me for years, He was there. Every time my brother was on heroin, He was there.
When I had a sudden-onset panic disorder which would change my life, He was there. When my mother hired someone to have my father killed, He was there. When I went to court with my dad to testify against her as she stood across the room from me, He was there. When I thought my best friend was going to relapse back into her cocaine addiction, He was there. When someone very close to me was on the verge of committing suicide, I know that He was right there with me by his side. And knowing that He didn’t let me go through any of these things in the past few years by myself, I know He isn’t going to let me go through this one alone either.
So, that being said, I hope to overcome my insecurities of not knowing much of the bible, and having a less than ideal past. I hope that the people I meet here would overlook these things- even if they were written across my skin. And I hope, more than anything, to make God and my family proud.
I know this was long and probably awkwardly personal, but I felt the need to get that off my chest. So, if you read this, please know that I appreciate it and hopefully I'll be seeing you.
- Allison
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