I sit here everyday wanting to post something, but at the same time I don't want anyone's sympathy. The adjustment of going from a town where I had so many friends, and where I was so comfortable, to going to college where I know absolutely nobody and I'm put way out of my comfort zone has put a tremendous toll on me. Physically, but mostly mentally.
   
       I have this problem where I can be really friendly with a lot of people, and I'll talk to them whenever I see them, but I can't connect with them enough to be friends. At home, this is no problem for me, I have my couple of close friends I'll always have, and I'm never feeling alone. Here, it's become a really big thing for me. I'm nervous even going to a meal because I don't have anyone to sit with, until maybe 10 minutes before I eat.
 
      I've heard from so many people that the first few days are always the hardest, but everyone I've talked to at least had friends within the first week. I can't help but lay here in my dorm room every night and feel like I pushed my life in the wrong direction, and that I made a $20,000 mistake. I pray every night for God to give me an answer of what he wants me to do in my situation, and every morning I still wake up feeling like I need to go home.

    Don't get me wrong, I love this school, everyone is so nice and supportive, but I can't get close to anyone. I feel like I'm watching people make friendships they'll have their entire lives and I can't connect to anyone the way I want to yet. I know it's only been a week, but it's been one the loneliest of my entire life.

    I feel like I should be honest with you all too, I didn't live the most God-given life throughout high school, and I fell into some really bad habits, and maybe that's why I feel like I can't connect to anyone. I don't want to open up and have people judge me based on the decisions I've made in my past, and lose that connection in a matter of seconds. I'm so guarded, which may be the root of my loneliness here.

   I don't want anyone to feel bad for me, that's honestly the last thing I want. I think I just wanted to open a little bit, without having to see a sympathetic face looking my way. I know I really want all of your prayers. I want to know in 17 weeks if this was the right choice for me or if God has other plans for me.

   Please pray for me.

The Shattered Perfection

There are all kinds of news. There is the kind that makes you laugh or cry with joy or the kind that makes you feel awkward. Then there is the kind that stops you dead in your tracks. The kind that numbs you from head to toe. Toward the beginning of my senior year of high school I received this type of news.

I am the type of girl that likes everything to be perfect. Situations that I have no control over make me extremely uncomfortable and I don't cope well. So when I was sitting on my couch in my living room and heard my mom say that she has an extremely rare type of cancer that has a high mortality rate, I was beyond stunned. I couldn't even think, nor did I know how to. Just the word cancer in itself was like a poison that started in my ears and spread through my soul. As my sisters were there asking questions and trying to understand what was happening, I remained silent. Everyone seemed so matter of fact about everything. No one was crying or freaking out, just gathering information. But I didn't want information. I didn't want my mom to die. I just wanted everything to be okay.

My mom has always been my best friend and I couldn't even fathom a life without her. But from that moment on, it was all I could think about. All of these questions were running through my head 24/7: What would happen to me if she died? Would she die? And when? Would she be there for my graduation, or would I be up there reciting my speech without a mom to be proud of me? How could God do this to me and my family, especially after all the illnesses my mom has already been battling for the past four years? How could this possibly be in God's will, and if he loves me how could he let this happen to such a strong and incredible Christian woman?

All of a sudden everything in my life stopped making sense, as if my brain had shut off and left me there to function on autopilot. The classes that had seemed so easy were all of a sudden impossible to understand, and my grades went from a 4.0 GPA to the second and third B of my life and the first C. I just couldn't think or process anything, despite how desperately hard I tried.

The whole time that this was going on, I never spoke about it. I kept everything from all of my friends and family. I was terrified that if I talked about what was going on in my life then it would somehow become more than I could handle, as if giving words to my worries would cause them to be a reality. I decided right when I found out about my mom's cancer that I would never burden her with what I was feeling, because I couldn't handle her feeling as if she had caused me pain. I didn't want her to blame herself, so I just kept quiet and refused to cry.

It was a very dark time for me. I fought with my dad constantly and resented my siblings because they didn't have to live with the day to day effects of chemo and radiation. They didn't have to hear my mom crying out in extreme pain at all hours of the day and night, and I hated them for it. I also hated people that were happy. I just couldn't understand how people could live their lives happily every day when my own was crumbling around me. Worst of all, I blamed and hated God for putting me through something so completely miserable. I felt more alone than I ever had in my entire life. I had never been so angry with God as I was during those months, yet at the same time I kept repeating to myself "God will work it out. God will work it out. God will work it out." They were hopeful words, but still felt hollow.

Then something random happened. I was taking a shower and thinking about how alone and depressed I was, and I was going over every worst scenario situation I could think of. As I did this, the bitter angry numbness began to slowly melt away, as I started to cry for the first time in months. I collapsed on the floor of my shower, sobbing uncontrollably and crying out to God to take me instead of my mom. She deserved this life more than me anyway, and I couldn't bear to live without her. I pleaded and pleaded with him to have mercy and heal her. That I would do anything if only I could see her well and joyful again. It was in this moment that I realized that God wanted nothing more than for me to simply trust him. He didn't want some extravagant deed, only for me to rely on him and let him take my burdens from me. It was in this moment that I realized I couldn't do it on my own.

As the weeks continued on I started to feel a peace about life. My mom still had cancer and it was still terrible and hard to handle, but for the first time it was manageable. Then within the next month my mom was healed and became cancer free. I had a few moments of praising God, before I got the bad news. Even though she is cancer free now, the likelihood of her getting it again is pretty great. And if she ever gets cancer again then there is absolutely no chance of her surviving it. I discovered that my mom is most likely going to die of cancer eventually, it is only a matter of when.

As I began to revert back to my numbness and anger, I stopped myself. I took a moment to praise God for the good news and turn over the bad news to him. I decided that my mom's life was in his hands, and realized that this time, nor ever again, would I ever have a need to feel alone. Because my God is bigger than anything this world throws at me.

Since then, my mom was put on a new medication and is responding very well to it. For the first time she is able to cook, stand up, and walk with more ease. When she brought me to college she managed to walk to my room and help me unpack. She is more alive and healthy now than I have seen her in a long time, and I know that it is only because of God. Though I don't know exactly what is going to happen in the future, for now God has blessed me with a recovering mom and a new college to remind me of how amazing his love truly is. And most importantly, I have a God to trust and lean on for the rest of my life.


Mathew 11:28-30

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Shackles of the Past

Before leaving for Gordon, I overheard my grandmother saying to my dad, “I just want her to have everything she needs, she’s already been through enough in her life,” and he agreed. But, we all have. Both he and my grandma have given all they can give- more than they even have- to allow me this kind of opportunity.

I’m so blessed to have some people in my life who care enough for me to make sacrifices so that I am allowed the opportunities that they never got. But at the same time, being a first generation college student puts a heavy burden on my shoulders to succeed and make my family proud. Despite the pressure, I feel as though I’m up for the challenge.

Ever since I’ve gotten here, it’s been a very hectic schedule with very little time to just kick back and do nothing. There’s especially been a lot of socializing. Throughout the whole process, I’ve realized something about myself: I'm afraid that I’ll be misunderstood. I seem to have this irrational fear that each person I meet can peer into my soul and deem me unworthy to be at a place like this with such well-rounded people.

I was saved almost two years ago, and in that time, almost an entire year collectively was spent backsliding. If you do the math, that’s not a huge hunk of time to spend my life honoring God. And, since I wasn’t honoring God, I was out doing the exact opposite. I’m starting to think that maybe I need to let go of this past. I’m realizing that it’s hindering me by making me feel like I have all the mistakes I’ve made written across my skin. I feel like (this is probably an incorrect feeling) if some of the students I’ve talked with knew the things I’ve done or some other things about me, they wouldn’t want to stand within five feet of me.

This mentality has really been starting to eat away at me. I know I need to let these thoughts go. I know that God forgives me, and He knows that it’s behind me. I feel like if I were to meet with Him in person, He would go further than standing within five feet of me and embrace me. Knowing everything He does about me, this is something I definitely have to remind myself of.

God has been there for me through everything these past few years. I needed Him more than I ever have before. When my grandfather died, He was there. When my uncle died, He was there. When I was tripping on a bad high and was on the verge of losing my sanity, He was there. When my mother would send me horribly cruel text messages numerous times a day, He was there. Whenever her using got really bad, He was there. When I found out one of my closest friends had been lying to me for years, He was there. Every time my brother was on heroin, He was there.

When I had a sudden-onset panic disorder which would change my life, He was there. When my mother hired someone to have my father killed, He was there. When I went to court with my dad to testify against her as she stood across the room from me, He was there. When I thought my best friend was going to relapse back into her cocaine addiction, He was there. When someone very close to me was on the verge of committing suicide, I know that He was right there with me by his side. And knowing that He didn’t let me go through any of these things in the past few years by myself, I know He isn’t going to let me go through this one alone either.

So, that being said, I hope to overcome my insecurities of not knowing much of the bible, and having a less than ideal past. I hope that the people I meet here would overlook these things- even if they were written across my skin. And I hope, more than anything, to make God and my family proud.

I know this was long and probably awkwardly personal, but I felt the need to get that off my chest. So, if you read this, please know that I appreciate it and hopefully I'll be seeing you.

- Allison

Moving On

     This is it! Within the next few days I will find myself in a new environment beginning the next chapter of my life. Throughout this entire summer I found myself looking forward to the fall, the beginning of my journey at Gordon College. Basically, I have been looking forward to this day since I was accepted to Gordon back in November. Of course I have been nervous too, but my excitement always covered my nerves. That is until today. 

     Every year of high school I would go to band camp the week before school started to learn the drill designs for the upcoming marching season. Band camp has become one of my favorite experiences during high school. This was the first time in five years, including 8th grade, that I have not gone to band camp. 
     Today I decided that I was going to visit everyone and see how the program was coming along. I arrived at the perfect time, for after a minute or two they all got a water break. It was the greatest feeling when so many people came up and gave me a hug. I missed everyone dearly. Our director allowed me to help out a little, so I marched in the place of someone who was not there. While marching I looked around and saw so many new faces of people who I did not know. But I also noticed the absence of the faces of my friends who had graduated with me back in June. That was my realization that this is actually happening. I am no longer in high school. 

     After my experience today I began to realize how hard it is going to be for me to say good-bye to everyone tomorrow. Tonight I began crying because of how much I love all of them. I don't want things to change. I just don't want to let go. To all of the memories of concerts and football games. To spending every morning in the band room talking to all of my friends. To all of the laughs that we have had together. I may only be going an hour away, but I can't imagine exactly what my life would be like without them in it everyday. 
     Although these doubts have crept into my mind I am absolutely certain that Gordon is where I am suppose to go. While I may be afraid of what lies ahead of me, I don't have to go through it alone. God will never leave me. This is the first step I must take to live the life that He has planned for me. While it will be hard to say good-bye to everyone tomorrow, I know that I will see them again. I also get to look forward to making new friends at Gordon and the many memories I will make there!
     To end this post I wanted to share one of favorite verses that has helped me throughout high school. Many may recognize it from the song Praise You In This Storm, by Casting Crowns. Ironically, I heard that song on Pandora last night. I have found that this song shows up whenever I need it most. Thanks for reading! Julia :)
     I lift up my eyes to the hills-
     where does my help come from?
     My help comes from the Lord 
     the Maker of heaven and earth. 
          Psalm 121:1-2

"Testing me, testing me."

     I feel like I've been putting off writing my first post in here, I've never blogged before, I've never opened up to the whole world. It's a little strange, and new, both feelings I've been feeling all week.
     This week is a whole new life for me. I'm going away to school, and I'll be living 4 hours away from the best friend I've ever had and an incredible boyfriend. That in it's self is hard, but add onto the fact that my dad is taking a job 1,000 miles away from home, before I even come home for Thanksgiving break.
    I'm scared, excited, sad, and beyond with joy about going to such an amazing school, with people I've never met but can already tell they're going to be amazing, faith stricken people. I can't help but pray when feeling like this, waiting for something to show me what's going on. Praying and waiting, waiting and praying.
     Here's a little something about me, I love John Mayer, and the John Mayer Pandora station is my favorite. While sitting here thinking of what to write about for my first blog ever, the song "Vultures" came on, one of my favorites, this time lyrics sticking out to me more than usual.
But I'll walk through the fire
If this is what it takes
To take me even higher
Then I'll come through
Like I do
When the world keeps 
Testing me, testing me, testing me.

    This week is testing my faith in God, knowing he trusts me to keep my relationships here, no matter what distance, and no matter what new friendships I make.
    It may be my last few days in a house where so many great memories happens, that's in a town where even more happened. It may be my last goodbye to some of the people I was friends with in high school. It may make a relationship hard. I'm ready. I'm ready to just follow my faith, and what ever God  has in store for me, I just hope I'm ready.

We live by faith, not by sight. 2 Cor. 5:7

So, here I'm sitting now, ready to start my very new life, in two very different places, with God right by side, just testing me a bit.

That's all for today folks,
CC

La Vida Meets CFC

When I was on my La Vida trip, 2 Corinthians 11:16-12:10 became my mantra. Paul shared his weaknesses and sufferings and how through them, God's power was made perfect. Huddling under a tarp in the pouring rain on your own when you badly have to go to the bathroom (as a result of drinking two Nalgenes a day) showcased my weaknesses. I realized that for the first time, I was completely alone and had to fend for myself, and that terrified me. I just cried for about an hour as I sat underneath that tarp, holding up the part that was sagging from all the rain. It was nearing bedtime. Would I have to do this all night in the dark?! Realizing that my sherpas, Brian and Sheralynn, were not there to help me was staggering. How in the world could I do this? But I did it.
I don't think I would have been able to do it had it not been for the reminder of the passage I had read earlier that morning from 2 Corinthians: "for when I am weak, then I am strong." At the time I had read it, I thought it fit my situation at La Vida perfectly: I had canoed for 40 miles, carried a canoe on my back, been eaten alive by mosquitoes...I had surprised myself day after day with how strong I apparently was. It wasn't until that final test--my solo time, in the rain--that I truly realized how strong I was.
Today was the first day I went to church since the Sunday before La Vida. (When I got back from La Vida, it was almost midnight on Saturday, so I was too tired to go to church the next morning. Then the week after that I spent a few days at my grandparents' house.) And here's what amazes me: The sermon Sonny preached about was on...wait for it...2 Corinthians 11 and 12. Did you just get chills? I definitely did when I heard him say, "Let's turn in our Bibles to..."
I'm leaving for Gordon College on Friday (AHH!!). The fact that this was the sermon during my first time back at church since La Vida and the last sermon I'll hear from Christian Fellowship Church for a while is something I can't put into words. God always gives us what we need to hear.

Meanwhile Back At My Heart...

First of all, you all were completely right in saying that writing out a blog is harder than it looks. What a crazy time this is. I've been staring at this blank page for several minutes now, so unsure of what to say. Many of you have told us your testimonies, which is not only encouraging but extremely brave. My story seems so simple in comparison. I grew up in a wonderful home, raised by my fantastic parents who love me and each other almost as much as they love God (they also met at Gordon and were married the summer after they graduated, they celebrated their 25th anniversary this summer, if anyone needed some encouragement about that kind of thing ;) ). I went to a Lutheran school when I was younger and went to church every week. I love church. So much. Never once did my parents have to nag me about going to church. My mom leads worship on the Sundays that I don't. For those days, I volunteer by babysitting for two services. 

God has always been what I believed. I rarely understand why He does things, but I always believe in Him. When I was thirteen, I got a dose of what reality was. Without going into details (something I always struggle with) I was faced with a devastating suicide at my school, raging media attention at all of us, what it meant to love and be loved, and then broken and repaired. Through all of that mess, I realized I needed more than just believing in God. I decided I wanted a relationship, too. At thirteen, I was baptized and confirmed and have never regretted it. 

I've never had a rebellious stage with God. But I do get really confused. And mad at Him sometimes. I tend to be the therapist in my group of friends and youth group. I've never minded it, even though it can be pretty burdening. But when I see and hear the things my friends go through, despite my life being pretty wonderful, I get angry. One of my friends was stripped of her purity when she was much too young by someone close to her. Why? How is that a part of God's plan. This past summer, a guy two of my best friends was in love with (don't ask) was killed in a car accident. Why? How is that fair? These are the things that make my brain hurt. I don't understand any of it. I assume all of you have been there. Then I think of Jeremiah 29:11: "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Even when I'm miserably upset, I have to hold on to that.

Wow this was a lot longer than I thought it was going to be, sorry. But I thought I'd share a bit. While I am incredibly nervous to leave home, I am so comforted by the fact that I'm going to a place where the love of God is what keeps us together. I'll leave you with my life verse: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Philippians 4:13. I truly cannot wait to meet all of you!

Peace and love,
Molly Elias

That Not Seen

It is such a difficult process to sit behind a computer screen and decide what words should come together and be shared with many new classmates and future friends. Should I share about how my summer has gone? Or should I tell an inspirational story? Maybe I should delete this post completely. See, it is this indecisive behavior and feelings that have overtaken me recently. I find myself asking different questions to myself everyday about this up and coming transition to college. And yet, the power of an 18 year old girl cannot answer any of these questions.

I want to know where my life is going. I want to have a good idea as to where I will find myself in the future. But even still, I am entering Gordon in a few days still not 110% sure of what I want to commit my life to and honor God doing. It's my personality that gets anxious when large questions like this remain unanswered.

But I have to pause, I have to pause and think that I need to give these unanswered questions to God. This part of my life needs to be in his hands since faith is the "confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see"(Hebrews 11:1). I struggle with this the most, I want answers and as a human I feel it is my duty to find them. I don't understand why many things happen in life and why I cannot change them. But if I tell myself that what is to come from God beyond my own life will be so incredible that the worries of my days on earth will cease to harm me. Then I don't worry about the unknown. 
Gracefully anxious,
Kate Ferris

Faith With Bumpers

Yesterday I went bowling with my family, something I really enjoy doing...but not because I'm good at it. Quite the opposite. I am terrible. And when I say terrible, I mean it. The last time I bowled, I got a 24. No typo, I literally got a 24 out of 300. Not one of my proudest moments, if I do say so myself.
So you can imagine how excited I was when I beat my brothers with a score of 112! I had trumped my previous score by almost a whole three digits! Despite my excitement, I knew I needed to take a slice of humble pie. I had beaten a thirteen- and a nine-year-old. Not someone my age. Also, we had used bumpers on the lanes. The only reason why I had gotten a 112 was because we had, essentially, taken the easy way out. If we hadn't used those metal bars of glory, I would've been walking out of that place with a 24 again.
Of course, we still had a blast. I don't have a competitive bone in my body, so although it did feel good to win, it was humbling to know that I had a little support to help me out and that I had two younger people playing against me. But would the game have been better without the bumpers? Most likely not, because we all would have been rolling more gutter balls than spares and strikes. Or, in my case, six or seven pins max at a time.
That's how it is with faith. I recently completed La Vida, where I canoed about 40 miles, stank for 12 days, used leaves for toilet paper, battled blood-thirsty mosquitoes (I lost count after 50), and fasted in solitude. I could have taken the easy way out on that trip. I could have easily said, "Let me do this on my own. I don't need God's help." That would have been me rolling those gutter balls, when I clearly knew that no matter how hard I tried, if I didn't have some outside support, I would never get higher than a 24. Or a 10. Probably a 10.
On La Vida, I gave myself wholeheartedly over to God. I allowed him to be my bumper. I put my trust in Him that when I woke up in that tent--or mostly on the ground--every morning, He would be there to steer me in the right direction. He gave me many a spare and a strike on that trip, and I knew it was because I allowed myself to let Him in. The game is always better when you let God be your bumper.

Lost, but not alone

As all of these posts are about all of us getting to college and worrying about what comes next, I figured that I would change it up a little bit and share a portion of my testimony. None of what I am about to share is to glorify myself but to honor God for without him I have no clue where I would be today. I share this to simply honor my creator and in hopes help someone that is going through or has gone through similar struggles.

So a little bit of background on me I was born in PA and my parents were pastoring a church. When I was two my parents had gotten a divorce and my father stepped down from pastoring. So I literally was born into my faith I wasn't someone that needed to find my faith, well this is what I thought anyways.

Growing up my mother was always adamant about having my brother, sister, and I go to church every Sunday no matter what you were at church. If you were sick you got sick there and all of the "super holy prayer ladies" would pray for you. Of course at the time I found this extremely annoying but now I am so incredibly thankful for it.

So every Sunday I would go to church and every Sunday I would follow the same routine sing a few songs, raise my hand, always give the answer "Jesus" in children's church, " I mean come on you are at church so that has to be right." It wasn't until three years ago that I finally realized I was doing it ALL wrong and when I say it ALL I mean it. 

I was never the girl that went out and partied or hooked up with every guy. I was worse I was the girl that was the perfect Christian inside and outside of church, that walked around judging and condemning condemning every other person around me for not believing what I was believing, this became the most dangerous thing. Instead of living out my duty as a follower and believer of Christ I just let people know I "Loved" Jesus and then made myself seem better than they were. It got to a point where I fell into a deep and dark depression. I was at my lowest point I still put on the good church girl face that everyone expected and I hid my depression so well. 

For me it was something that I was used to hiding behind my anger at my father. Hiding behind the fear of never being loved. Hiding behind whatever I could yet making it seem like I had it all together at all times. I was LOST, I was brought to the point where the devil was stealing every bit of joy that I had inside of me and he was feeding me lie after lie. I was sitting in my room one day in the dark alone with no one home and I was getting ready to create the first mark on my body to get rid of the internal pain. I began screaming and crying out to God like such a fool asking him to take me from this darkness that I didn't want this for myself. I was LOST but I was NOT alone for in that moment God came and he rescued me he took away every pain that I was feeling and told me that I needed to come to this place to realize what I was doing wrong and what he meant to me.

So if you have been there or just simply feel lost with all of the chaos going on around you cry out to God because he has your back he is there cheering you on the entire way. He has mapped out your story and is just waiting for you to uncover the pages one at a time. This next part of our journey we will not be alone.-Michaela Barnes

I Gave it All to God

As my summer winds down, the day I leave for college approaches swiftly. Despite my honest excitement for study at Gordon, it has proved a challenge to leave everyone I love in PA for a school 11 hours away. Yet I realize that this difficult transition is all apart of God's plan of me being at Gordon. It has forced me to trust in Him, and give my anxiety, and more so just my temporary hurt over to Him. It's not easy, but giving my circumstance to Him has been nothing but a blessing. With Him by my side, I have peace, and can be fully excited for the new chapter ahead. I am comfortable with leaving, knowing that I can still call home any time I need. This next week of goodbyes will still be painful, yet it is not overwhelmingly stressful like it was when I was trying to bear this weight alone. Surely He has given me peace and comfort, and I.know He will be holding my hand and giving me strength for every goodbye. God is good. - Rachel Welty

A Beautiful Wilderness Woman

 

 

 

This July I went on La Vida, a program which fulfills the outdoor education requirement for Gordon College.  Essentially, La Vida is a 12-day wilderness adventure in the spectacular Adirondack Mountains.  There are three patrols offered: canoeing, hiking, and kayaking; I opted for canoeing.  Each patrol has 10 members and two leaders, who are called Sherpas.  There were certain policies and mottos of La Vida, such as "Be Here Now," which means cutting off all contact with the outside world (no cell phones), having no awareness of time (no watches or timekeeping devices), and having no keenness to direction or agenda (no maps or schedules).  Another policy was "Leave No Trace," which essentially means that we leave the wilderness the way we left it.  This means no bathing (that's right, no bathing for 12-days), taking all trash and supplies with you, and washing dishes became very interesting (ever licked a bowl clean before?). 

 

This trip had two other important messages: "Challenge by Choice" and "Commitment Move." Challenge by choice meant there were many instances where you could decide not to do something: no one could force you to rock climb, or do the high ropes course, or spend two days and nights in the wilderness alone. It was you who decided to take the risk.  Commitment move is a term used in rock climbing when there is a hand hold or foot hold just out of reach, and so you have to jump. You tell the person belaying you "commitment move" and then they know to be ready to catch the slack when you jump.  La Vida translated this term metaphorically to taking risks in other areas of your life, especially spiritual risks, knowing that God will be ready to catch you. 

 

Applying all of these mantras to my experience was a challenge.  I couldn't help but think about life back at home.  I sometimes wondered if it was close to lunchtime, and how long it was to the campsite.  I was caked in layers of sweat mixed with bug spray and sunscreen, and I smelled really bad.  I missed indoor plumbing, and drinking water that didn't take five minutes to pump and that tasted like bleach.  I forgot what it was like not to eat crackers and peanut butter for lunch.  I was covered in cuts, bruises, and mosquito bites. I had raw, stinging blisters on the tips of my fingers from rock climbing.  Every muscle in my body was sore from canoeing and portaging...I can't even explain how gruesome it is for two people to carry a 100 pound canoe over their heads for miles on end. And then there was solo: 48 hours alone in the woods, with no food, and only a Bible, a journal, your thoughts, and the mosquitos to keep you company. It was lonely, it got boring, the bugs were horrible, I was starving, It thunder stormed, and there were quite a few times I broke down and cried, or threw a hissy fit (I might have even smack talked a few mosquitos). 

 

There were many times on this trip I wanted to throw in the towel, to turn around and go home.  I was tired, I was gross, and I felt ugly. And I think there was more that I carried with me on this trip than 80 lbs of equipment. I carried things in my heart: painful memories, hurt, and past mistakes.  I tried to leave them behind, but they followed me.  I was able to ignore them in the hustle and bustle, but during those 2 days in the wilderness alone, all my regrets, all my brokenness, encroached me like a swarm of bloodthirsty mosquitoes.  And I became angry.  I cried out to God saying, "Where is my spiritual revelation? Where is my transformation? Isn't that what this trip is supposed to be about?!" I still felt like the same spiritually wounded person on Day 12 as I was on Day 1.  Sure, I had many laughs, many wonderful experiences, made new friends, and had some nice devotional time. But had I really changed?

 

The director of the La Vida program told us at the end of our trip that La Vida starts when La Vida ends; the experiences we've had on the trip should translate to our everyday lives.  My, how right he was.  After I returned from La Vida I felt something within my heart: a flame, no, a fire.  I wanted more. I wanted an adventure, and not just a literal adventure, but a spiritual one.  I wanted to take risks, make commitment moves each and every day. La Vida also began to fill a hole that had been in my heart for as long as I can remember; a hole created by "I'm not good enough", "I'm unloved," and "I'm not beautiful."  It didn't truly register until I came home, but being in God's creation I realized that the same Hands that had formed the breathtaking Adirondack mountains and the beautiful lakes and rivers we canoed on also formed me.  And I am made in Gods image. Wow! I am a jewel on the crown of His creation.  I must be worth something. I must be beautiful in His eyes.  And then I realized that I don't need someone or something to fill that hole, because that hole has been filled all along by the One and Only, Jesus Christ.

 

La Vida was one of the most challenging and the most rewarding experiences of my life, and it has made me proud to call myself "A Beautiful Wilderness Woman," created and loved by the one true God.

Here I Come

This summer has been absolutely fantastic! I've been to the beach every day, I have a beautiful natural tan, and my hair has never looked better! It's been so relaxing, and everything about my life has been totally normal.

Except... not.

I get up almost every day at 3 am to go to work at Dunkin Donuts. I haven't been to the beach, not once. I have an awkward farmers tan from the few days I actually have spent outside, and my hair almost constantly looks like a disaster. With college coming up in 11 days (11 DAYS! OH MY GOODNESS!) I've never been so stressed about money and back-to-school shopping. My life is CRAZY.

And yet with all this stress, it's been so evident that God is working right now. He's been blessing my family with random amounts of money towards college that we never saw coming, and giving me opportunities to do fun things (like an amusement park) for free.

And with so little time left before my whole world changes, I could be really afraid. But I'm not. I'm confident in the knowledge that I'm not doing this all by myself. So here I am, sitting on my couch, excited and really looking forward to next week. Gordon College, here I come!

"The Lord himself goes before you. He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." ~ Deuteronomy 31:8

Love, Rach M