It has been MONTHS since anyone has posted... oh my gosh... oops. :)
Since the time when we all arrived here at Gordon, I think it's safe to speak for everyone when I say that so much has happened in such little time that it kind of feels unreal. Sometimes being here will feel like a glorified summer camp. Other times it's so stressful it feels like the endless reading and studying for exams will never end.
One thing that I in particular have been having difficulty with is finding a balance between studying/doing homework while also finding time to work, eat, sleep, and spend with friends. I can easily admit that this is a struggle for me. Many of you who are close to me see my issue with this every day.
But the greatest thing about being here is that my friends don't just let me fall. I have had such a supportive group of people coming beside me and holding me accountable (many of who are part of this blog). So to all of you who care so much about me: thank you so much. Everything you do for me is so wonderful; I don't know what I would do without you.
And for those of you who aren't in college or are struggling with something similar: don't be afraid to ask for help from your friends. They care about you and want you to succeed. If you're not in college, go into it with the right mindset. Even though you will meet so many new, amazing people, don't let the social life overwhelm your school work and sleep times. Trust me. Not a good idea. There's so much to experience in a college setting and not nearly enough time. And I'm realizing that's okay. I have 3.75 more years ahead of me, which is plenty of time to do everything I want to.
Well, second quad is about to start on Monday and I will be turning over a new leaf (relatively literally - it is fall after all.... hahaha bad pun). I hope that by posting this on the blog not only helps others from making my mistakes, but also helps me to know that you are now all holding me to my goals. I love you all, and I'm so thankful every day that I get to do life with you. Have a great quad break.
Love, R
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Saturday, August 31, 2013
I sit here everyday wanting to post something, but at the same time I don't want anyone's sympathy. The adjustment of going from a town where I had so many friends, and where I was so comfortable, to going to college where I know absolutely nobody and I'm put way out of my comfort zone has put a tremendous toll on me. Physically, but mostly mentally.
I have this problem where I can be really friendly with a lot of people, and I'll talk to them whenever I see them, but I can't connect with them enough to be friends. At home, this is no problem for me, I have my couple of close friends I'll always have, and I'm never feeling alone. Here, it's become a really big thing for me. I'm nervous even going to a meal because I don't have anyone to sit with, until maybe 10 minutes before I eat.
I've heard from so many people that the first few days are always the hardest, but everyone I've talked to at least had friends within the first week. I can't help but lay here in my dorm room every night and feel like I pushed my life in the wrong direction, and that I made a $20,000 mistake. I pray every night for God to give me an answer of what he wants me to do in my situation, and every morning I still wake up feeling like I need to go home.
Don't get me wrong, I love this school, everyone is so nice and supportive, but I can't get close to anyone. I feel like I'm watching people make friendships they'll have their entire lives and I can't connect to anyone the way I want to yet. I know it's only been a week, but it's been one the loneliest of my entire life.
I feel like I should be honest with you all too, I didn't live the most God-given life throughout high school, and I fell into some really bad habits, and maybe that's why I feel like I can't connect to anyone. I don't want to open up and have people judge me based on the decisions I've made in my past, and lose that connection in a matter of seconds. I'm so guarded, which may be the root of my loneliness here.
I don't want anyone to feel bad for me, that's honestly the last thing I want. I think I just wanted to open a little bit, without having to see a sympathetic face looking my way. I know I really want all of your prayers. I want to know in 17 weeks if this was the right choice for me or if God has other plans for me.
Please pray for me.
I have this problem where I can be really friendly with a lot of people, and I'll talk to them whenever I see them, but I can't connect with them enough to be friends. At home, this is no problem for me, I have my couple of close friends I'll always have, and I'm never feeling alone. Here, it's become a really big thing for me. I'm nervous even going to a meal because I don't have anyone to sit with, until maybe 10 minutes before I eat.
I've heard from so many people that the first few days are always the hardest, but everyone I've talked to at least had friends within the first week. I can't help but lay here in my dorm room every night and feel like I pushed my life in the wrong direction, and that I made a $20,000 mistake. I pray every night for God to give me an answer of what he wants me to do in my situation, and every morning I still wake up feeling like I need to go home.
Don't get me wrong, I love this school, everyone is so nice and supportive, but I can't get close to anyone. I feel like I'm watching people make friendships they'll have their entire lives and I can't connect to anyone the way I want to yet. I know it's only been a week, but it's been one the loneliest of my entire life.
I feel like I should be honest with you all too, I didn't live the most God-given life throughout high school, and I fell into some really bad habits, and maybe that's why I feel like I can't connect to anyone. I don't want to open up and have people judge me based on the decisions I've made in my past, and lose that connection in a matter of seconds. I'm so guarded, which may be the root of my loneliness here.
I don't want anyone to feel bad for me, that's honestly the last thing I want. I think I just wanted to open a little bit, without having to see a sympathetic face looking my way. I know I really want all of your prayers. I want to know in 17 weeks if this was the right choice for me or if God has other plans for me.
Please pray for me.
Friday, August 30, 2013
The Shattered Perfection
There are all kinds of news. There is the kind that makes you laugh or cry with joy or the kind that makes you feel awkward. Then there is the kind that stops you dead in your tracks. The kind that numbs you from head to toe. Toward the beginning of my senior year of high school I received this type of news.
I am the type of girl that likes everything to be perfect. Situations that I have no control over make me extremely uncomfortable and I don't cope well. So when I was sitting on my couch in my living room and heard my mom say that she has an extremely rare type of cancer that has a high mortality rate, I was beyond stunned. I couldn't even think, nor did I know how to. Just the word cancer in itself was like a poison that started in my ears and spread through my soul. As my sisters were there asking questions and trying to understand what was happening, I remained silent. Everyone seemed so matter of fact about everything. No one was crying or freaking out, just gathering information. But I didn't want information. I didn't want my mom to die. I just wanted everything to be okay.
My mom has always been my best friend and I couldn't even fathom a life without her. But from that moment on, it was all I could think about. All of these questions were running through my head 24/7: What would happen to me if she died? Would she die? And when? Would she be there for my graduation, or would I be up there reciting my speech without a mom to be proud of me? How could God do this to me and my family, especially after all the illnesses my mom has already been battling for the past four years? How could this possibly be in God's will, and if he loves me how could he let this happen to such a strong and incredible Christian woman?
All of a sudden everything in my life stopped making sense, as if my brain had shut off and left me there to function on autopilot. The classes that had seemed so easy were all of a sudden impossible to understand, and my grades went from a 4.0 GPA to the second and third B of my life and the first C. I just couldn't think or process anything, despite how desperately hard I tried.
The whole time that this was going on, I never spoke about it. I kept everything from all of my friends and family. I was terrified that if I talked about what was going on in my life then it would somehow become more than I could handle, as if giving words to my worries would cause them to be a reality. I decided right when I found out about my mom's cancer that I would never burden her with what I was feeling, because I couldn't handle her feeling as if she had caused me pain. I didn't want her to blame herself, so I just kept quiet and refused to cry.
It was a very dark time for me. I fought with my dad constantly and resented my siblings because they didn't have to live with the day to day effects of chemo and radiation. They didn't have to hear my mom crying out in extreme pain at all hours of the day and night, and I hated them for it. I also hated people that were happy. I just couldn't understand how people could live their lives happily every day when my own was crumbling around me. Worst of all, I blamed and hated God for putting me through something so completely miserable. I felt more alone than I ever had in my entire life. I had never been so angry with God as I was during those months, yet at the same time I kept repeating to myself "God will work it out. God will work it out. God will work it out." They were hopeful words, but still felt hollow.
Then something random happened. I was taking a shower and thinking about how alone and depressed I was, and I was going over every worst scenario situation I could think of. As I did this, the bitter angry numbness began to slowly melt away, as I started to cry for the first time in months. I collapsed on the floor of my shower, sobbing uncontrollably and crying out to God to take me instead of my mom. She deserved this life more than me anyway, and I couldn't bear to live without her. I pleaded and pleaded with him to have mercy and heal her. That I would do anything if only I could see her well and joyful again. It was in this moment that I realized that God wanted nothing more than for me to simply trust him. He didn't want some extravagant deed, only for me to rely on him and let him take my burdens from me. It was in this moment that I realized I couldn't do it on my own.
As the weeks continued on I started to feel a peace about life. My mom still had cancer and it was still terrible and hard to handle, but for the first time it was manageable. Then within the next month my mom was healed and became cancer free. I had a few moments of praising God, before I got the bad news. Even though she is cancer free now, the likelihood of her getting it again is pretty great. And if she ever gets cancer again then there is absolutely no chance of her surviving it. I discovered that my mom is most likely going to die of cancer eventually, it is only a matter of when.
As I began to revert back to my numbness and anger, I stopped myself. I took a moment to praise God for the good news and turn over the bad news to him. I decided that my mom's life was in his hands, and realized that this time, nor ever again, would I ever have a need to feel alone. Because my God is bigger than anything this world throws at me.
Since then, my mom was put on a new medication and is responding very well to it. For the first time she is able to cook, stand up, and walk with more ease. When she brought me to college she managed to walk to my room and help me unpack. She is more alive and healthy now than I have seen her in a long time, and I know that it is only because of God. Though I don't know exactly what is going to happen in the future, for now God has blessed me with a recovering mom and a new college to remind me of how amazing his love truly is. And most importantly, I have a God to trust and lean on for the rest of my life.
Mathew 11:28-30
28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
I am the type of girl that likes everything to be perfect. Situations that I have no control over make me extremely uncomfortable and I don't cope well. So when I was sitting on my couch in my living room and heard my mom say that she has an extremely rare type of cancer that has a high mortality rate, I was beyond stunned. I couldn't even think, nor did I know how to. Just the word cancer in itself was like a poison that started in my ears and spread through my soul. As my sisters were there asking questions and trying to understand what was happening, I remained silent. Everyone seemed so matter of fact about everything. No one was crying or freaking out, just gathering information. But I didn't want information. I didn't want my mom to die. I just wanted everything to be okay.
My mom has always been my best friend and I couldn't even fathom a life without her. But from that moment on, it was all I could think about. All of these questions were running through my head 24/7: What would happen to me if she died? Would she die? And when? Would she be there for my graduation, or would I be up there reciting my speech without a mom to be proud of me? How could God do this to me and my family, especially after all the illnesses my mom has already been battling for the past four years? How could this possibly be in God's will, and if he loves me how could he let this happen to such a strong and incredible Christian woman?
All of a sudden everything in my life stopped making sense, as if my brain had shut off and left me there to function on autopilot. The classes that had seemed so easy were all of a sudden impossible to understand, and my grades went from a 4.0 GPA to the second and third B of my life and the first C. I just couldn't think or process anything, despite how desperately hard I tried.
The whole time that this was going on, I never spoke about it. I kept everything from all of my friends and family. I was terrified that if I talked about what was going on in my life then it would somehow become more than I could handle, as if giving words to my worries would cause them to be a reality. I decided right when I found out about my mom's cancer that I would never burden her with what I was feeling, because I couldn't handle her feeling as if she had caused me pain. I didn't want her to blame herself, so I just kept quiet and refused to cry.
It was a very dark time for me. I fought with my dad constantly and resented my siblings because they didn't have to live with the day to day effects of chemo and radiation. They didn't have to hear my mom crying out in extreme pain at all hours of the day and night, and I hated them for it. I also hated people that were happy. I just couldn't understand how people could live their lives happily every day when my own was crumbling around me. Worst of all, I blamed and hated God for putting me through something so completely miserable. I felt more alone than I ever had in my entire life. I had never been so angry with God as I was during those months, yet at the same time I kept repeating to myself "God will work it out. God will work it out. God will work it out." They were hopeful words, but still felt hollow.
Then something random happened. I was taking a shower and thinking about how alone and depressed I was, and I was going over every worst scenario situation I could think of. As I did this, the bitter angry numbness began to slowly melt away, as I started to cry for the first time in months. I collapsed on the floor of my shower, sobbing uncontrollably and crying out to God to take me instead of my mom. She deserved this life more than me anyway, and I couldn't bear to live without her. I pleaded and pleaded with him to have mercy and heal her. That I would do anything if only I could see her well and joyful again. It was in this moment that I realized that God wanted nothing more than for me to simply trust him. He didn't want some extravagant deed, only for me to rely on him and let him take my burdens from me. It was in this moment that I realized I couldn't do it on my own.
As the weeks continued on I started to feel a peace about life. My mom still had cancer and it was still terrible and hard to handle, but for the first time it was manageable. Then within the next month my mom was healed and became cancer free. I had a few moments of praising God, before I got the bad news. Even though she is cancer free now, the likelihood of her getting it again is pretty great. And if she ever gets cancer again then there is absolutely no chance of her surviving it. I discovered that my mom is most likely going to die of cancer eventually, it is only a matter of when.
As I began to revert back to my numbness and anger, I stopped myself. I took a moment to praise God for the good news and turn over the bad news to him. I decided that my mom's life was in his hands, and realized that this time, nor ever again, would I ever have a need to feel alone. Because my God is bigger than anything this world throws at me.
Since then, my mom was put on a new medication and is responding very well to it. For the first time she is able to cook, stand up, and walk with more ease. When she brought me to college she managed to walk to my room and help me unpack. She is more alive and healthy now than I have seen her in a long time, and I know that it is only because of God. Though I don't know exactly what is going to happen in the future, for now God has blessed me with a recovering mom and a new college to remind me of how amazing his love truly is. And most importantly, I have a God to trust and lean on for the rest of my life.
Mathew 11:28-30
28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Shackles of the Past
Before leaving for Gordon, I overheard my grandmother saying to my dad, “I just want her to have everything she needs, she’s already been through enough in her life,” and he agreed. But, we all have. Both he and my grandma have given all they can give- more than they even have- to allow me this kind of opportunity.
I’m so blessed to have some people in my life who care enough for me to make sacrifices so that I am allowed the opportunities that they never got. But at the same time, being a first generation college student puts a heavy burden on my shoulders to succeed and make my family proud. Despite the pressure, I feel as though I’m up for the challenge.
Ever since I’ve gotten here, it’s been a very hectic schedule with very little time to just kick back and do nothing. There’s especially been a lot of socializing. Throughout the whole process, I’ve realized something about myself: I'm afraid that I’ll be misunderstood. I seem to have this irrational fear that each person I meet can peer into my soul and deem me unworthy to be at a place like this with such well-rounded people.
I was saved almost two years ago, and in that time, almost an entire year collectively was spent backsliding. If you do the math, that’s not a huge hunk of time to spend my life honoring God. And, since I wasn’t honoring God, I was out doing the exact opposite. I’m starting to think that maybe I need to let go of this past. I’m realizing that it’s hindering me by making me feel like I have all the mistakes I’ve made written across my skin. I feel like (this is probably an incorrect feeling) if some of the students I’ve talked with knew the things I’ve done or some other things about me, they wouldn’t want to stand within five feet of me.
This mentality has really been starting to eat away at me. I know I need to let these thoughts go. I know that God forgives me, and He knows that it’s behind me. I feel like if I were to meet with Him in person, He would go further than standing within five feet of me and embrace me. Knowing everything He does about me, this is something I definitely have to remind myself of.
God has been there for me through everything these past few years. I needed Him more than I ever have before. When my grandfather died, He was there. When my uncle died, He was there. When I was tripping on a bad high and was on the verge of losing my sanity, He was there. When my mother would send me horribly cruel text messages numerous times a day, He was there. Whenever her using got really bad, He was there. When I found out one of my closest friends had been lying to me for years, He was there. Every time my brother was on heroin, He was there.
When I had a sudden-onset panic disorder which would change my life, He was there. When my mother hired someone to have my father killed, He was there. When I went to court with my dad to testify against her as she stood across the room from me, He was there. When I thought my best friend was going to relapse back into her cocaine addiction, He was there. When someone very close to me was on the verge of committing suicide, I know that He was right there with me by his side. And knowing that He didn’t let me go through any of these things in the past few years by myself, I know He isn’t going to let me go through this one alone either.
So, that being said, I hope to overcome my insecurities of not knowing much of the bible, and having a less than ideal past. I hope that the people I meet here would overlook these things- even if they were written across my skin. And I hope, more than anything, to make God and my family proud.
I know this was long and probably awkwardly personal, but I felt the need to get that off my chest. So, if you read this, please know that I appreciate it and hopefully I'll be seeing you.
- Allison
I’m so blessed to have some people in my life who care enough for me to make sacrifices so that I am allowed the opportunities that they never got. But at the same time, being a first generation college student puts a heavy burden on my shoulders to succeed and make my family proud. Despite the pressure, I feel as though I’m up for the challenge.
Ever since I’ve gotten here, it’s been a very hectic schedule with very little time to just kick back and do nothing. There’s especially been a lot of socializing. Throughout the whole process, I’ve realized something about myself: I'm afraid that I’ll be misunderstood. I seem to have this irrational fear that each person I meet can peer into my soul and deem me unworthy to be at a place like this with such well-rounded people.
I was saved almost two years ago, and in that time, almost an entire year collectively was spent backsliding. If you do the math, that’s not a huge hunk of time to spend my life honoring God. And, since I wasn’t honoring God, I was out doing the exact opposite. I’m starting to think that maybe I need to let go of this past. I’m realizing that it’s hindering me by making me feel like I have all the mistakes I’ve made written across my skin. I feel like (this is probably an incorrect feeling) if some of the students I’ve talked with knew the things I’ve done or some other things about me, they wouldn’t want to stand within five feet of me.
This mentality has really been starting to eat away at me. I know I need to let these thoughts go. I know that God forgives me, and He knows that it’s behind me. I feel like if I were to meet with Him in person, He would go further than standing within five feet of me and embrace me. Knowing everything He does about me, this is something I definitely have to remind myself of.
God has been there for me through everything these past few years. I needed Him more than I ever have before. When my grandfather died, He was there. When my uncle died, He was there. When I was tripping on a bad high and was on the verge of losing my sanity, He was there. When my mother would send me horribly cruel text messages numerous times a day, He was there. Whenever her using got really bad, He was there. When I found out one of my closest friends had been lying to me for years, He was there. Every time my brother was on heroin, He was there.
When I had a sudden-onset panic disorder which would change my life, He was there. When my mother hired someone to have my father killed, He was there. When I went to court with my dad to testify against her as she stood across the room from me, He was there. When I thought my best friend was going to relapse back into her cocaine addiction, He was there. When someone very close to me was on the verge of committing suicide, I know that He was right there with me by his side. And knowing that He didn’t let me go through any of these things in the past few years by myself, I know He isn’t going to let me go through this one alone either.
So, that being said, I hope to overcome my insecurities of not knowing much of the bible, and having a less than ideal past. I hope that the people I meet here would overlook these things- even if they were written across my skin. And I hope, more than anything, to make God and my family proud.
I know this was long and probably awkwardly personal, but I felt the need to get that off my chest. So, if you read this, please know that I appreciate it and hopefully I'll be seeing you.
- Allison
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Moving On
This is it! Within the next few days I will find myself in a new environment beginning the next chapter of my life. Throughout this entire summer I found myself looking forward to the fall, the beginning of my journey at Gordon College. Basically, I have been looking forward to this day since I was accepted to Gordon back in November. Of course I have been nervous too, but my excitement always covered my nerves. That is until today.
Every year of high school I would go to band camp the week before school started to learn the drill designs for the upcoming marching season. Band camp has become one of my favorite experiences during high school. This was the first time in five years, including 8th grade, that I have not gone to band camp.
Today I decided that I was going to visit everyone and see how the program was coming along. I arrived at the perfect time, for after a minute or two they all got a water break. It was the greatest feeling when so many people came up and gave me a hug. I missed everyone dearly. Our director allowed me to help out a little, so I marched in the place of someone who was not there. While marching I looked around and saw so many new faces of people who I did not know. But I also noticed the absence of the faces of my friends who had graduated with me back in June. That was my realization that this is actually happening. I am no longer in high school.
Today I decided that I was going to visit everyone and see how the program was coming along. I arrived at the perfect time, for after a minute or two they all got a water break. It was the greatest feeling when so many people came up and gave me a hug. I missed everyone dearly. Our director allowed me to help out a little, so I marched in the place of someone who was not there. While marching I looked around and saw so many new faces of people who I did not know. But I also noticed the absence of the faces of my friends who had graduated with me back in June. That was my realization that this is actually happening. I am no longer in high school.
After my experience today I began to realize how hard it is going to be for me to say good-bye to everyone tomorrow. Tonight I began crying because of how much I love all of them. I don't want things to change. I just don't want to let go. To all of the memories of concerts and football games. To spending every morning in the band room talking to all of my friends. To all of the laughs that we have had together. I may only be going an hour away, but I can't imagine exactly what my life would be like without them in it everyday.
Although these doubts have crept into my mind I am absolutely certain that Gordon is where I am suppose to go. While I may be afraid of what lies ahead of me, I don't have to go through it alone. God will never leave me. This is the first step I must take to live the life that He has planned for me. While it will be hard to say good-bye to everyone tomorrow, I know that I will see them again. I also get to look forward to making new friends at Gordon and the many memories I will make there!
To end this post I wanted to share one of favorite verses that has helped me throughout high school. Many may recognize it from the song Praise You In This Storm, by Casting Crowns. Ironically, I heard that song on Pandora last night. I have found that this song shows up whenever I need it most. Thanks for reading! Julia :)
I lift up my eyes to the hills-
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
the Maker of heaven and earth.
Psalm 121:1-2
Although these doubts have crept into my mind I am absolutely certain that Gordon is where I am suppose to go. While I may be afraid of what lies ahead of me, I don't have to go through it alone. God will never leave me. This is the first step I must take to live the life that He has planned for me. While it will be hard to say good-bye to everyone tomorrow, I know that I will see them again. I also get to look forward to making new friends at Gordon and the many memories I will make there!
To end this post I wanted to share one of favorite verses that has helped me throughout high school. Many may recognize it from the song Praise You In This Storm, by Casting Crowns. Ironically, I heard that song on Pandora last night. I have found that this song shows up whenever I need it most. Thanks for reading! Julia :)
I lift up my eyes to the hills-
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
the Maker of heaven and earth.
Psalm 121:1-2
Monday, August 19, 2013
"Testing me, testing me."
I feel like I've been putting off writing my first post in here, I've never blogged before, I've never opened up to the whole world. It's a little strange, and new, both feelings I've been feeling all week.
This week is a whole new life for me. I'm going away to school, and I'll be living 4 hours away from the best friend I've ever had and an incredible boyfriend. That in it's self is hard, but add onto the fact that my dad is taking a job 1,000 miles away from home, before I even come home for Thanksgiving break.
I'm scared, excited, sad, and beyond with joy about going to such an amazing school, with people I've never met but can already tell they're going to be amazing, faith stricken people. I can't help but pray when feeling like this, waiting for something to show me what's going on. Praying and waiting, waiting and praying.
Here's a little something about me, I love John Mayer, and the John Mayer Pandora station is my favorite. While sitting here thinking of what to write about for my first blog ever, the song "Vultures" came on, one of my favorites, this time lyrics sticking out to me more than usual.
But I'll walk through the fire
If this is what it takes
To take me even higher
Then I'll come through
Like I do
When the world keeps
Testing me, testing me, testing me.
This week is testing my faith in God, knowing he trusts me to keep my relationships here, no matter what distance, and no matter what new friendships I make.
It may be my last few days in a house where so many great memories happens, that's in a town where even more happened. It may be my last goodbye to some of the people I was friends with in high school. It may make a relationship hard. I'm ready. I'm ready to just follow my faith, and what ever God has in store for me, I just hope I'm ready.
We live by faith, not by sight. 2 Cor. 5:7
So, here I'm sitting now, ready to start my very new life, in two very different places, with God right by side, just testing me a bit.
That's all for today folks,
CC
This week is a whole new life for me. I'm going away to school, and I'll be living 4 hours away from the best friend I've ever had and an incredible boyfriend. That in it's self is hard, but add onto the fact that my dad is taking a job 1,000 miles away from home, before I even come home for Thanksgiving break.
I'm scared, excited, sad, and beyond with joy about going to such an amazing school, with people I've never met but can already tell they're going to be amazing, faith stricken people. I can't help but pray when feeling like this, waiting for something to show me what's going on. Praying and waiting, waiting and praying.
Here's a little something about me, I love John Mayer, and the John Mayer Pandora station is my favorite. While sitting here thinking of what to write about for my first blog ever, the song "Vultures" came on, one of my favorites, this time lyrics sticking out to me more than usual.
But I'll walk through the fire
If this is what it takes
To take me even higher
Then I'll come through
Like I do
When the world keeps
Testing me, testing me, testing me.
This week is testing my faith in God, knowing he trusts me to keep my relationships here, no matter what distance, and no matter what new friendships I make.
It may be my last few days in a house where so many great memories happens, that's in a town where even more happened. It may be my last goodbye to some of the people I was friends with in high school. It may make a relationship hard. I'm ready. I'm ready to just follow my faith, and what ever God has in store for me, I just hope I'm ready.
We live by faith, not by sight. 2 Cor. 5:7
So, here I'm sitting now, ready to start my very new life, in two very different places, with God right by side, just testing me a bit.
That's all for today folks,
CC
Sunday, August 18, 2013
La Vida Meets CFC
When I was on my La Vida trip, 2 Corinthians 11:16-12:10 became my mantra. Paul shared his weaknesses and sufferings and how through them, God's power was made perfect. Huddling under a tarp in the pouring rain on your own when you badly have to go to the bathroom (as a result of drinking two Nalgenes a day) showcased my weaknesses. I realized that for the first time, I was completely alone and had to fend for myself, and that terrified me. I just cried for about an hour as I sat underneath that tarp, holding up the part that was sagging from all the rain. It was nearing bedtime. Would I have to do this all night in the dark?! Realizing that my sherpas, Brian and Sheralynn, were not there to help me was staggering. How in the world could I do this? But I did it.
I don't think I would have been able to do it had it not been for the reminder of the passage I had read earlier that morning from 2 Corinthians: "for when I am weak, then I am strong." At the time I had read it, I thought it fit my situation at La Vida perfectly: I had canoed for 40 miles, carried a canoe on my back, been eaten alive by mosquitoes...I had surprised myself day after day with how strong I apparently was. It wasn't until that final test--my solo time, in the rain--that I truly realized how strong I was.
Today was the first day I went to church since the Sunday before La Vida. (When I got back from La Vida, it was almost midnight on Saturday, so I was too tired to go to church the next morning. Then the week after that I spent a few days at my grandparents' house.) And here's what amazes me: The sermon Sonny preached about was on...wait for it...2 Corinthians 11 and 12. Did you just get chills? I definitely did when I heard him say, "Let's turn in our Bibles to..."
I'm leaving for Gordon College on Friday (AHH!!). The fact that this was the sermon during my first time back at church since La Vida and the last sermon I'll hear from Christian Fellowship Church for a while is something I can't put into words. God always gives us what we need to hear.
I don't think I would have been able to do it had it not been for the reminder of the passage I had read earlier that morning from 2 Corinthians: "for when I am weak, then I am strong." At the time I had read it, I thought it fit my situation at La Vida perfectly: I had canoed for 40 miles, carried a canoe on my back, been eaten alive by mosquitoes...I had surprised myself day after day with how strong I apparently was. It wasn't until that final test--my solo time, in the rain--that I truly realized how strong I was.
Today was the first day I went to church since the Sunday before La Vida. (When I got back from La Vida, it was almost midnight on Saturday, so I was too tired to go to church the next morning. Then the week after that I spent a few days at my grandparents' house.) And here's what amazes me: The sermon Sonny preached about was on...wait for it...2 Corinthians 11 and 12. Did you just get chills? I definitely did when I heard him say, "Let's turn in our Bibles to..."
I'm leaving for Gordon College on Friday (AHH!!). The fact that this was the sermon during my first time back at church since La Vida and the last sermon I'll hear from Christian Fellowship Church for a while is something I can't put into words. God always gives us what we need to hear.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)